How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
