Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
