I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
as a side note pls kill me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
