Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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