if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
