So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
