I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
