I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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