Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He passed out mid-signature
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
