Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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