She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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