i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
