Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
