sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
