does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
