Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
