He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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