I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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