My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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