According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
