Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
