I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
