I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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