i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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