so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
