i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
