I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
