I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
