well I can't set my house on fire every night
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
