I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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