Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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