His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
