He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
