Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
