dude i'm inner monologue high
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
