I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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