Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
