I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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