youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize