Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
