you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
