But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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