my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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