if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
