By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
