She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
