A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
