Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
