Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
