If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
