Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
