do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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