Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
