I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
did i walk over a car last night?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
