How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
