There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
