You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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